For a long time, I have been ashamed of things that have happened to me in my past. People can make you feel this way when you are the victim. It is so easy to blame the victim because we do not want to believe the perpretrator can do anything wrong. They show themselves as being an upstanding person of the community. But abusers come in all forms whether sexual or physical. This is the role they play. They act one way in public and another way in private.
I have come to realize that I no longer have to be afraid or ashamed to speak up and say this is what happened. When I exposed one of my sexual abusers as a teenager, I was blamed by many family members. Many of them believed it was true, but they made it seem like I did something wrong to make this person do these things to me. Of course my being vulnerable and wanting to be liked by everyone, I did not fight it. We brushed it under the rug, but every time I came around, the tension was in the air. Especially since things happened that were out of my control and they were not convicted, but the allegations were substantiated.
Even though I was told by therapists that it was not my fault. Whether I was eight years old or fifteen years old, an adult took advantage of me. They are alone responsible for the choices they made. They zoomed in on what they thought were my weaknesses and used it for their own pleasure. I continued to go around my abusers because there was still the desire to be loved and wanted. I felt in order to be around the rest of my family or friends, I had no choice.
I made a decision about nine years ago to stop pretending. I was tired of putting on a facade like there was nothing wrong. I confronted my abuser even though nothing really came out of it. I chose to stop going around him for my sanity. In the meantime I lost relationships with other family members. But I knew that I needed to have a peace of mind. Of course I was still being called crazy and a liar and suicidal. Those things were far from the truth.
I am now at the point that I do not care what people think anymore. I am no longer afraid to speak up and say this is what this person did to me no matter how much they may deny it. No matter how much other do not believe me. I have nothing to gain by telling the truth. I am not crazy. I am not a liar. I am not suicidal.
There comes a time when you have to face the past and accept what has happened so you can move on. I am at a point in my life that I am able to sit in front of my abusers and not feel ashamed, scared, or disgusted. I decided to forgive so that I can move on. Their guilt is no longer my problem. They have to face me and deal with the decisions they made when they violated me.
I hope this helps someone that has gone through this or going through this. If victims were not victimized all over again when exposing these abusers, many more would come forward. You do not have to be ashamed of what someone has done to you. You were the one who was violated.
